nugger's Blog

Back to nugger's Blog

You know, I thought that coming back here and being active would be like ... I dunno, returning to somewhere where you just hadn't been. I was expecting activity, but all I can really do now is look at the profiles of old friends and kind of wonder what happened over time.

Like shit, looking at things like people who you severed links with for stupid reasons. Its like kicking yourself and wondering, "why did I do that?"

I dunno man, then again sometimes you can look back at old stuff and ask yourself, why did I care?
I deleted journals worth of old graphics and claims and membercards. Why did I care so much about that stuff? They were just chopped up oversaturated images.

Even things I liked so much I just look back and kind of stare. Watching things like Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann or reading something .hack// related makes me think of exes and friends that are now completely dead.

I remember clinging to the idea that he was the best ever and nothing could go wrong. Wow, how shit changes you over time. All you can do is look back and kind of laugh.
Sometimes I see old posts from my roosterteeth account or sometimes I sneak into my old forum
Old OCs that I thought were something great. Old RPs that were so good at the time actually being nothing more than piles of shit. Old friends that you'll probably never speak to again.

Sometimes you sit there and wonder who's doing what? Who has kids? Who has a partner or a spouse? Who is living where? Who lives what lifestyle? Where do they hang out anymore? Who looks like what? Who's turned to drugs? Who has starved themself or selfharmed? Who has died? Who is still left?

Sometimes I wonder if I came up to someone and said "Hey this is Vi" or "Hey this is Raven" would they recognize me anymore? The person who once used to be a redhead girl who's now nothing more than trying to live the life of an androgynous person, discarding things like gender as important.

I wonder sometimes, if I went back to the Knights, who would still be left? Would I even be welcome in that guild? Sometimes I sit back and say "I should just move on to another game" or I should just delete all my stuff and truly disappear

And yet I never do it.
It's dumb. I didn't even come back here to reclaim my friends. I probably just came back here to see what had changed, so I could turn around and withdraw from everything once again.


This is 10 different levels of stupid on my part.

And yet I find myself wondering...
If any of these people were to speak to me again, would they say "hey you've changed"?

That's almost a stupid question in itself.