| Ok, so this is a pilot chapter of my story "Eon: Crimson Star" (Title subject to change) I'm totally new to this. I'm not even sure if I came close to putting the dialogue in the correct form. I'm pretty much writing this completely off the top of my head. Please read and tell me what you think. ~Pilot chapter 01: Crimson meets Jade~ 12/24-25/15 ~Pilot Chapter 02: Out of the fire~ 12/26-27/15 ~Pilot Chapter 03: Lion in the dark~ (Being rewritten)12/29-30/15 ~Pilot Chapter 04: Alone in a Crowd~ 12/30/15-1/1/16 ~Pilot Chapter 05: My Hero~ 1/2/16 |
QWERTYFish25Jan 5, 2016 5:46 PM
| Is this the same as the other post? I was reading, thought it would be better to read somewhere else. |
phmmoura said: Is this the same as the other post? I was reading, thought it would be better to read somewhere else. I ran it through wordpad because I didn't feel like putting it on firefail since it shuts down randomly. Apparently I accidentally Made a new topic rather than just edited the original. Erm, what do you mean by it being better to be read somewhere else? |
QWERTYFish25Dec 25, 2015 4:46 PM
| It's just that I don't like reading here. The formatting can get a little quirky. About the chapter, it's good. There are some info dumping that, while are well written, could be better if told another time. And better yet, told through actions, not the MC talking. (This is the pesky difference between telling and showing.) Some dialogues could be better if shorter. Like here. "Len, where are you?" an uneasy voice spoke. "Still inside, Tony. Is something wro-?" "Get back to the ship." Tony answered. The captain just told everyone to drop everything and get back over ASAP," "Wa-,wait. what's wrong?" Lenox asked. Looking back down into the lower level, sensing change in the crowds energy. "No idea, but something's got top spooked. Just head back unless you want Shane on you again. Last shuttle is out in ten minutes," Tony said. "Alright, heading right over." Lenox responded. This part could be better (my opinion) if it were shorter, and thus creating a more pressing atmosphere. Maybe something like this. "Len, where are you?" an uneasy voice spoke. "Still inside, Tony. Is something wro-?" "Get back to the ship." Tony answered. The captain just told everyone to drop everything and get back over ASAP," "Wa-,wait. what's wrong?" Lenox asked, but there was no answer. His friend had hung (is this right in English?) Lenox looked down into the lower level. Even from here, he could sensing change in the crowds energy. They were in a hurry, nervous. I know this isn't the best, but like this, it has a sense of hurry. You need a little more attention to the details. (While I say this, this happens a lot to me as well). Or perhaps this place has many light novels sections. Lenox continued, "past all the light novels" into a section filled with a news magazines with current events..... "Right-wing idiots," he mumbled as he moved on to "the light novels". The end is abrupt. I know you're trying to create a hook, but since the readers (at least I'm like this) aren't too attached to the characters yet, it doesn't create a very good hook, since I don't really care if she lives or dies at this moment. Oh, and also, to me, it seemed he was more hurt than her, but then somehow it was her the more badly hurt. Don't know if it was only me (English isn't my native language, so I could be interpreting wrong). |
| lel I though you had forgotten me. I appreciate the feed back alot. I attempted an alternate starting chapter a few years back and I was worried about being too descriptive. While I will admit it took quite a few hours to wrap this one up I became much more comfortable the further along I went. At first I was planning to stop at the call. But I did want to get out the part where Lenox is back with Katarine and the followed event afterward Just to see how well I may be able to keep the energy. I will say I had a lot of doubts about the format. As I stated in another thread I'm not exactly a consistent reader, so often I find myself feeling like I'm putting way to many commas or breaking for a paragraph too early. If you will, could you show me how a string of dialogue should be compounded? I referenced from a book I read a while ago with some success, I think. As far as the final segment I meant to reveal to a disoriented Lenox the state of his "partner". Being knock around and dazed only to fine the only person you're with with their guts about to pour out leaves for a dire situation. But I do see what you are saying. Even with the obvious implications of what may or may not happen next it would be difficult to keep people on the edge of their seats seeing as they know little about Lenox's core character, even less so about Katarine's. Looking back at it the format came out a lot better than I thought it would and will gladly etch around to make a clearer and more consistent picture. I also would like to know, how would I go about transitioning from one place or group of characters to another? Such as from the predicament of Lenox to say the captain of the ship Nevava or somewhere else. |
QWERTYFish25Dec 26, 2015 1:00 PM
| It changes from reader to reader. The best way is to read a lot and write as much. But what I can suggest is to take out the mundane lines and replace for more visual. For example in the first dialog. It could be better (again, it's just my opinion) like this. The young man handed over the electronic card with his information before the guard asked. The guard's tired eyes flickered open for a moment. He looked up at the gentleman for the first time (comparing the man with his ID photo). (Here you could describe him). But ,as always, it was the young man's eyes which grabbed the attention. Now it was common, but eternally peculiar hue, eyes blood red. A dead giveaway to a member of the Asari diaspora. "Hmm," the guard muttered as his eyes fell back once again at the I.D. card before scanning the card into the registry of the computer on his desk. Lenox turned his head, very aware of the odd looks he received from the nearby checkpoints. He showed an uneasy smirk as he waited for the guard to clear him. "Lenox Casper. Age: 18, United Stars Navy, eh?" The guard said casually. Lenox nodded. "Alrighty you check out but-," "Here it comes" Lenox thought. "Do me a favor and keep clear of the more colorful spots here," the guard said. "They're a little bit on the sensitive side thanks to you-know-what." "No problem," Lenox said with a tinge of annoyance as he headed down the large corridor, leading him to the main area hall. I know this isn't the best example, but you can take a few lines like "Name and ID" and change "Yes sir" for a nod. But again I'll say it just my opinion. Perhaps someone else would say the way you did is better. |
| It's definitely a good alternative. One of the things that slowed my progress with the first half was the rigidness of the descriptions. I will say animating the scenes in a more clear be streamline way would definitely help in this, it'll save energy at the very least. |
| Needs work. dddddddddddddddddddddddddddd |
| All self-centered thoughts limit our vast mind. When we have no thought of achievement, no thought of self, we are true beginners. |
| Descriptions only get better with practice. Believe me. I'm still practicing (I still suck at describing my characters) For now, it's best if you wrote the second chapter and then rewrite this piece. This way you won't get stuck on this part. |
im2famous said: Where, exactly...?Needs work. dddddddddddddddddddddddddddd phmmoura said: Ok, I'll do that. Would the "second" chapter be better off as just the other half or is this a suitable segment?Descriptions only get better with practice. Believe me. I'm still practicing (I still suck at describing my characters) For now, it's best if you wrote the second chapter and then rewrite this piece. This way you won't get stuck on this part. |
| I think it's a suitable segment. Remember, first drafts sucks, so there's no need to worry. At the beginning, it's better to keep writing while knowing your weak points and improving them. Have you thought about the next part? |
phmmoura said: Yes, for...years. I'm debating on introducing the giant super special mecha though. I think that part would be a tad cliche' however I do want to put things in motion that would justify him being in control of something so important. And as implied the Asari are pretty much the equivalent of black people or Muslims in the US. While the threat is an empire rather than an unorthodox military hiding under a doctrine. I'd say it'll be more so like Russia to several nations or Nazi Germany for the Cortanians.I think it's a suitable segment. Remember, first drafts sucks, so there's no need to worry. At the beginning, it's better to keep writing while knowing your weak points and improving them. Have you thought about the next part? I think I may postpone the falling robot from the sky until after this scenario, and continue on him having to escape by some other means, bumping into the Arxkane military and Katarine's peeps. That'll perhaps allow me to flesh out her character a bit more. She isn't as strong and knightly as when I first thought about her years ago, but I also don't want her to become a damsel in distress either. Edit: threw the next chapter up. |
QWERTYFish25Dec 27, 2015 4:13 AM
| Here's chapter 4. I guess I hit the text limit. ~Pilot Chapter 04: Alone in a crowd~ 12/30/15-1/1/16 ~Pilot Chapter 05: My Hero~ 1/2/16 ~Pilot Chapter 06: ~ (Pending) |
QWERTYFish25Jan 5, 2016 1:16 PM
| You still writing this? |
| Yea took a bit of a brief break cause of life and trying to organize things that are important for the flow of the story. Was working in the means of transportation in space as well as involvement of certain factions for when and where. And the political nature of certain space (freespace, nation space, noman's land type of space etc.) Would gladly hear feedback. |
QWERTYFish25Mar 1, 2016 1:18 AM
| Nice nice, take your time :) I'll post my feedback once I have any idea what to say ^^; |
Revvie-chan said: Anything is fine.Story development, organizing characters, backstory, questions about them etc. TBH I'm still learning about the characters and I have a tendency to "learn" more about my characters and the story line as I answer questions about them. Any questions/advice is fine. I may rewrite a few big portions of the chapters but feel free to comment ion them if you like.Nice nice, take your time :) I'll post my feedback once I have any idea what to say ^^; |
QWERTYFish25Feb 29, 2016 8:50 PM
ThaddeusDrakken said: This is a really intriguing story. I'm a pretty big fan of sci fi and futuristic stories as well as anime and tv series that fall into that category. You've definitely put quite a bit of time into this but you still have quite a ways to go. I used to dwell on this when I was at work and even before that. Sadly I'm not one for taking things down so a lot of ideals I'll probably never even remember since they may have been sparked through circumstance. When I do envision the world I think of it as an anime, or at least like the Avatar series in terms of general appearance I recommend you reread your work from the beginning and make the necessary grammatical corrections to start and see if there are any particular places where you would like to change things or describe them better. Definitely I'm redoing the first few chapters again. They've grown about four times in scope and take a on a very different chain of events. It's still definitely a draft but it expands on the characters a bit as well as adds some that hold significance from different points of view regarding the climate of the setting. A most notable change at this point regarding the two main characters is keeping the male lead (Lenox) from seeming like a "LN guy". I guess I'm trying to make him seem more selfish and human rather than middle/good leading character. The female lead (Katarine) is far more resourceful and active than her previous role. Which is to say she isn't simply there to be saved and thank the MC in a long winded conversation. Despite her background, (which I think you can find in a topic a little older than this one) she has no reason to not actually have skills pertinent to her situations. In summation she is much more tech savvy, considerably talented but not obnoxiously so. Out of curiosity as well, what is the picture from of the boy in futuristic armor and gun? very fitting for the story you've been writing so far but doesn't seem to match with anything i have read so far. I'm assuming you're are referring to my signature. That's actually a girl from the series "Chaika: the Coffin Princess" It doesn't really have anything to do with the story, but I'm glad the stuff rubs you like that, at least its apparent premise does. I simply linked this thread to the pic for ease of access. But I'm still looking for an acceptable standard of "practicality". Phmmoura can testify to that since I sent him some stuff regarding the mechanics of space travel (which I'm still working on. Since I think travel and obstacles can play a pivotal role in the out comes of wars and even determine the rise and fall of a people (like 300's hell's gate [was that the name of that place]). The story kinda stumbled and I lost a chunk of confidence after working on it for like a week. There is still a general direction the new chapters I'm editing on my computer have in common with what was written here. But I think it fleshes out the characters a bit more, and adds more understanding as to what led to what. I think it'll also intrigue some regarding the relationship between the Asari and others, as well as another group I don't think I mentioned in this version. Also if you're going to keep working on this story so in depth i would recommend befriending an artist to get some concept art or something going unless you're not quite at that stage. I'm not sure which stage that will be but I have thought of that. I would do it myself but my struggle with confidence and self-esteem has prevented me from trying to draw in spite of my echoing an interest nearly ten years ago. I remember having something a panic attack when a similar task was requested by an instructor at a program I was in. That aside I guess it could help to envision things if/when I find myself at that point. My trouble with detailing through text, makes it tiresome to try and describe something so intricate. BTW what does make the story seem intriguing? |
QWERTYFish25Jun 14, 2016 9:04 AM
LaxusAK said: On chapter 3, gonna continue reading it in a bit, but as for feedback most of what I have to say has been addressed already in terms of showing more than telling which you have done really well in the 3rd chapter and little grammatical errors that don't really impede the story. Great job with Nizar I hate him and thats a good thing so far in terms of characterization. Good job and keep it up! Gonna go work on my story as well. Ah, thanks. Sadly I plan to revise his character a bit and the chapter overall will probably be push and mold differently. For instance it won't be outlaws using scrap imperial hardware but rather a separate group I am characterizing in the second draft I have yet to release. His overt disdain for them can probably show the extent of how comfortable the Asari are with dehumanizing their enemies. He probably won't be so abusive towards Mesi but I'll still hint at how he uses people within his authority. His character though will generally be the same. Conceited, obnoxious and cruel. |
| Interesting story, albeit taking names and terms from many different works make it feel a bit all over the place. Nevertheless, keep up the good work, I know first hand how difficult writing is. |
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| Thanks for your feedback. I've slightly improved on some of the naming schemes since then. |
| Hyper-bump, not dead yet for anyone who may have taken interest. Just been a really trying year, Overall. |
| Helloooooo. I'm interested so I'll be dropping a few thoughts. I'll pick things out paragraph by paragraph (if I feel there's anything off/strange) |
SodiumChlorideDec 27, 2016 2:53 PM
| Wohooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo |
| The citicism is 100 percent appreciated. Continue when hou have a chance that way I know what to watch out for when I resume. |
| Now for Chapter 2. I might not be able to do this again for a while though. School has me super busy. |
| Wohooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo |
| I appreciate the feedback. Yes, I know this thread is pushing three years now and I should've ast least completed these chapters or at least reviewed but sometimes I find I am not motivated to really sit down and ponder out a scene or such. I have to change that. I have however done a terribly long rewrite of the first two chapters which somehow transformed into 5 chaspters pushing at least 20k words if I remember. I think those improved on detail and structire through that may be responsible for the length and the drawing out of simple scenes I'll have to accept that the drafts of mine aren't going to best selling as I am sure that's a big reason I haven't put out new content or attempted such. If you are still watching this through (which I doubt) are there any quick pointers you could pass along, even if it is merely for the sake of getting a proper draft out only for format or style or narrative |
| Interesting fact. No country is allowed to claim sovereignty to a land not of earth. Not that it's relevant to you though (as your sypnosis says independent settlements) P.S. I'm sorry, this random fact just came into my head whilst reading your story synopsis and I was compelled to mention it... By the way, you spelt synopsis with two "Y's" there's only one in the word |
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| Okay, I thought I should give some feedback 'cause of my random fact earlier. I'm a keen writer myself but right now I'm focusing on giving my world and characters the best structure from the start so I haven't written the story itself. I've only read the first chapter but I gotta say; if had me compelled to read more as I wanted to know the environment they're in -more than anything really, and that's down to your synopsis. So, there are subtle nuances which make a character and right off the bat I got the vibe of a cocky American coming off of Lenox, but his speech pattern was unnatural. I could see that his relationship with Tony is much closer than what is initially perceived but the interaction between the two didn't justify that e.g. Lenox sarcastically goes "let's see... No" but the response would've been better as a quick "Nope" Again, later on they're talking about the girl it would better to keep with the informal American by saying "she's military" instead of she's in the military which would have also implied the depth of Lenox's and Tony's relationship. That's it really, you can disregard what I said if you've already rectified the issues in the succeeding chapters, but if not... you got this |
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tambi33 said: Okay, I thought I should give some feedback 'cause of my random fact earlier. I'm a keen writer myself but right now I'm focusing on giving my world and characters the best structure from the start so I haven't written the story itself. I've only read the first chapter but I gotta say; if had me compelled to read more as I wanted to know the environment they're in -more than anything really, and that's down to your synopsis. So, there are subtle nuances which make a character and right off the bat I got the vibe of a cocky American coming off of Lenox, but his speech pattern was unnatural. I could see that his relationship with Tony is much closer than what is initially perceived but the interaction between the two didn't justify that e.g. Lenox sarcastically goes "let's see... No" but the response would've been better as a quick "Nope" Again, later on they're talking about the girl it would better to keep with the informal American by saying "she's military" instead of she's in the military which would have also implied the depth of Lenox's and Tony's relationship. That's it really, you can disregard what I said if you've already rectified the issues in the succeeding chapters, but if not... you got this Much appreciated. Right now I've been focusing on describing some of the characters that appear in the story even the ones wh don't appear in these chapters or in the rewrites. I often find myself kinda fleshing out the world a bit better through the fragments describing the characters lives. This however often leads to other characters that precede when these chapters take place...by a few decades even. Nonetheless it kinda leans into tye now. Unfortunately I don't really know how to tie it all together. I can talk about the characters and mention a war that shapes their lives now but not actually about the war itself. It's really weird. You had mentioned a story you're writing , what's a good method yo nailing these things together? |
QWERTYFish25 said: tambi33 said: Okay, I thought I should give some feedback 'cause of my random fact earlier. I'm a keen writer myself but right now I'm focusing on giving my world and characters the best structure from the start so I haven't written the story itself. I've only read the first chapter but I gotta say; if had me compelled to read more as I wanted to know the environment they're in -more than anything really, and that's down to your synopsis. So, there are subtle nuances which make a character and right off the bat I got the vibe of a cocky American coming off of Lenox, but his speech pattern was unnatural. I could see that his relationship with Tony is much closer than what is initially perceived but the interaction between the two didn't justify that e.g. Lenox sarcastically goes "let's see... No" but the response would've been better as a quick "Nope" Again, later on they're talking about the girl it would better to keep with the informal American by saying "she's military" instead of she's in the military which would have also implied the depth of Lenox's and Tony's relationship. That's it really, you can disregard what I said if you've already rectified the issues in the succeeding chapters, but if not... you got this Much appreciated. Right now I've been focusing on describing some of the characters that appear in the story even the ones wh don't appear in these chapters or in the rewrites. I often find myself kinda fleshing out the world a bit better through the fragments describing the characters lives. This however often leads to other characters that precede when these chapters take place...by a few decades even. Nonetheless it kinda leans into tye now. Unfortunately I don't really know how to tie it all together. I can talk about the characters and mention a war that shapes their lives now but not actually about the war itself. It's really weird. You had mentioned a story you're writing , what's a good method yo nailing these things together? I've only read the first chapter, so I can only give you a general context of what should be done (my story has a similar genre but the dynamics of it are different) The protagonists are the ones that lay the foundation of the world; so having a concrete protagonist gives you the chance to explain the story through their eyes... You can't go about explaining a war from eagle eye view, that never works. So keep with the characters shaping their lives as a result of the war. E.g. •The main protagonist explores the world youve built, only through meeting other individuals will he be able to carve out an image of the war... It's usually short anecdotes like "so and so was here, did this" (yeh, it's a bit common) •if you're the type of person who wants to remove a peotagonist from the fray to give a sense of that ever present danger in this war ravaged universe then it's gotta be by someone who has been beside the initial protagonist who will also feel the loss of their friend etc. •But the best way to bind a universe is by introducing multiple characters with varying beliefs because there's more than one argument to be fairly proved I.e. Some who want to justify a war. So take a look at the MCU which recently attempted that with infinity war (not its story, just how the characters are bunched together) and for characters you should see how Rick Riordan created a fray of characters on equal footing in his Heroes of Olympus sequel books -albeit with them all being on the same side. •I should've written this first... When writing about a war you have to lay down the results of that war before writing what happened in the war, that's so you can build towards that; even so, when talking of war, it's almost always reduced to two sides fighting each other thus allowing the scale of it to be drastically reduced - which is why in literature and media it is very common to see them preferring to portray specific campaigns of a war rather than the entire war. So if your war has several nations, you can't have them all fighting each other... That leaves you with a massive mess; so allies are a big key I portraying the dynamics of the war as it will also show the most affected depending on the way it goes; thy will also justify the differing of opinions, give reasons for any rebellions etc. and set up the underlying truth which I think in the synopsis says that Lenox will be exposed to. Having those allies allow for you to bring the war closer to their hearts |
tidoesstuffMay 20, 2018 6:11 AM
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tambi33 said: I've only read the first chapter, so I can only give you a general context of what should be done (my story has a similar genre but the dynamics of it are different) The protagonists are the ones that lay the foundation of the world; so having a concrete protagonist gives you the chance to explain the story through their eyes... You can't go about explaining a war from eagle eye view, that never works. So keep with the characters shaping their lives as a result of the war. E.g. tambi33 said: •The main protagonist explores the world youve built, only through meeting other individuals will he be able to carve out an image of the war... It's usually short anecdotes like "so and so was here, did this" (yeh, it's a bit common) This sounds sounds solid. It prevents the info dump that happened when I described Lenox and the captain's relationship. At most I should've tried to nod at there being something more than a C.O. Since this mini-draft I have considered more characters whose state and existence is a result of another war by the same Asari empire. Refugees and pockets of resistance of the former Shanatan alliance that make a living ambushing the aforementioned empire's force as well as teaming up with less than reputable groups for passage and support. There are numerous groups who have an uneasy relationship with the empire and its expansionist actions. On the other side of the spectrum there is the Libretonians (name still kinda in the works) who in recent decades has seen a massive decline in military and political power. This is due to being displaced by other nations economic wise as well as the "Orion confict" Which is basically the American revolutionary war. In a bid to regain their stature, they too are rapidly expanding and inserting themselves in minor conflicts offering diplomatic support to make allies and bolster their presence. Another nation, Cortanian/Arthuria (name still in the works) has had a bitter relationship with Asar and with or already is in the process of conflict with them (I'm still unsure when I should commence the conflict. Before or during the story?). Asar was once a colony during the onset of colonization of "Eon". This gives me a few perspectives to work with. I'm guessing a solid billion people not affiliated with any nation (pirates unrecognized states or colonies or refugees like the Shanatan are reasonable with 600-800 years in a particular part of space) tambi33 said: •if you're the type of person who wants to remove a peotagonist from the fray to give a sense of that ever present danger in this war ravaged universe then it's gotta be by someone who has been beside the initial protagonist who will also feel the loss of their friend etc. Hmm, I'm not sure I am following. But if you're saying to have another person, a supporting character or deuturagonist there are a few I have. The two main protagonists Katarine and Lenox are not in nations that are directly engaged in war. They've seen the news, they've heard the cries from support and Lenox, in particular has felt the affect of good old fashioned propaganda aimed at ethnic Asari (red eyes and dark skin, thought not necessarily required. Their predicament is similar to the xenophobia middle-eastern people have experienced in the post-9/11 world. except their mother country is winning and is not a backwater country to be bullied by larger forces.) As I mentioned before there will be quite a few characters who have experienced the war first hand (from either side) or as a spectator with little or no involvement. tambi33 said: •But the best way to bind a universe is by introducing multiple characters with varying beliefs because there's more than one argument to be fairly proved I.e. Some who want to justify a war. So take a look at the MCU which recently attempted that with infinity war (not its story, just how the characters are bunched together) and for characters you should see how Rick Riordan created a fray of characters on equal footing in his Heroes of Olympus sequel books -albeit with them all being on the same side. This was a source of concern in the past when I was still thinking of this story. Why is there a war? What's the history? I've thought of a number of reasons, some dating back early on into the days of colonialism in space and some more recent. A war for the death of the princess or empress seems shallow, maybe the last straw but not the end all, be all. I think some in the empire will have different reasons, some out of fear of history exemplifying abuse of the wear or the too-trusting. Possibly bigotry and concern of foreign influences. Or perhaps even a manifest destiny brought about by the realization that the people of the empire will never be safe without unifying the entire human race or at least subjecting their historical enemies. Perhaps that will be the facade while some lobby the goverment to line their own pockets. I've mentioned why a war would be in the best interests for the Libretonians. I don't plan to have them directly go to war but in stead pull the strings, offer support possibly broker support to instigate conflict. tambi33 said: •I should've written this first... When writing about a war you have to lay down the results of that war before writing what happened in the war, that's so you can build towards that; even so, when talking of war, it's almost always reduced to two sides fighting each other thus allowing the scale of it to be drastically reduced - which is why in literature and media it is very common to see them preferring to portray specific campaigns of a war rather than the entire war. So if your war has several nations, you can't have them all fighting each other... That leaves you with a massive mess; so allies are a big key I portraying the dynamics of the war as it will also show the most affected depending on the way it goes; thy will also justify the differing of opinions, give reasons for any rebellions etc. and set up the underlying truth which I think in the synopsis says that Lenox will be exposed to. Having those allies allow for you to bring the war closer to their hearts I think I will after all have the conflict with Asar vs Arthuria already in progress but escalate at the onset of the story. I think a key victory for the Asar will also be the prime time for usurping the throne. I've been thinking of a character who is tied to the royal family, who claims right to the throne. They were ousted years before the start of this story but through the use of key allies throughout the years to keep safe and bide their time until the can take back the throne. I know it's very hard to follow all of this since what you know about this story is basically two people escaping a space station and these drafts are horribly outdated and don't even allude to 90 percent of what I am saying not but bear with me. I think the current reigning empress will be used by several parties in there government to achieve this agenda. Not willingly and in a very roundabout way. A way that was initially meant to protect her from this but those wishes were used to forward others' agendas. Think a total psychological and partly physical makeover. Blank her memories, fabricate a story and ship her to a completely different country posing as the most unlikely suspect. This programming also function as surveillance and activates certain knowledge and memories to force her unknowingly (at least consciously) to lay the groundwork for others to reach their goals. I wish there was a common story we could use to better get you to comprehend what I have in mind, especially since I'm on a bit of a timer and can't fully express what I am getting at at the moment. Final question: what justification does a space faring society have to install a monarchy as their head of state? I've seen it before in media but I always felt it kinda stuck out. |
QWERTYFish25May 20, 2018 7:10 PM
| @QWERTYFish25 That question you asked at the end, well... Since this matter is all hypothetical I'll use history as my inspiration. To be honest, they have no justification; as I said in another comment, "no one can claim a land that's not earth," but historically there hasn't been a case where land has been taken unjustly -on earth. A guy named Oliver Cromwell ousted the monarchy through revolution but eventually create a pseudo-monarchy with him at the helm; the Balfour declaration which gave Zionist leverage in the colonising of Israel was done by the British, this giving military backing. The common factor of this is military influence; so if any monarchy is set up in space then it's origins would have had to be in a stratocracy (military run government) and/or military dictatorship. The only other plausible way to go about installing a monarch is to have a patriotic country with a monarchy to extend their rule to conquered space domains (in whatever way they've somehow conquered such an area). P.S. Does your story involve extraterrestrials, as I'm writing from the perspective that there are only humans in this story |
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tambi33 said: @QWERTYFish25 That question you asked at the end, well... Since this matter is all hypothetical I'll use history as my inspiration. To be honest, they have no justification; as I said in another comment, "no one can claim a land that's not earth," but historically there hasn't been a case where land has been taken unjustly -on earth. A guy named Oliver Cromwell ousted the monarchy through revolution but eventually create a pseudo-monarchy with him at the helm; the Balfour declaration which gave Zionist leverage in the colonising of Israel was done by the British, this giving military backing. The common factor of this is military influence; so if any monarchy is set up in space then it's origins would have had to be in a stratocracy (military run government) and/or military dictatorship. The only other plausible way to go about installing a monarch is to have a patriotic country with a monarchy to extend their rule to conquered space domains (in whatever way they've somehow conquered such an area). P.S. Does your story involve extraterrestrials, as I'm writing from the perspective that there are only humans in this story I have been thinking heavily on adding extra terrestrials. some centuries after colonizing this region in space small pockets of the population have gained superhuman abilities. To simply this I'll just give implicit terms regarding these powers. 1)Hemokinetic = power over blood and flesh 2)Photokinetic = power over light and some forms of radiation 2)Echokinetic = power over sound and acoustics 4) Telekinetic = (or more precisely power over inertia) = objects already in motion or who have kinetic energy. Think if a windmill being slowed down by the absorption of kinetic energy and redirected offensively or converted into another type of energy (I have a character I want to have shoot lighting at her sister Katarine. Oh, yeah, if you haven't reached that part Katarine has an twin. She isn't as nice as her sister. Short of it as I am thinking of it before is basically humans have origins far beyond what we currently accept as the dawn of homo sapiens, and that they were created by some other race. hundreds of thousands of years ago.The extra terrestrials battled against the humans of that time, they were not like you and me, however. But rather different ranging in size (some as large as sky scrapers even) they no social structure or "consciousness" and operated similar to keepers, terrformers or, even machines acting out iterations at the behest of their creators (I'm still thinking of their origins and motives to creating humans and their precursors). They had the powers listed above (albeit ALL of the and not just a few and they were vastly overpowered by comparison) The time after when the creators "abandoned them" they gain sentience, scattered across the universe and, like humans IRL do formed empires and once again battled against humanity, they were struck down but not without nearly laying waste to the civilizations that encountered them. They ones who survived this conflict (both humans and aliens), and are still aware of the true origin of humanity still lurks about, biding their time waiting to overtake the universe (cliche I know but I am still working it out). I think for some it'll be a well known fact for others it may be something of an ancient legend. Hell, perhaps some of those groups will have conflicting views on what to do about the humans of eon. The humans of earth and in extension, Eon, no nothing of it. However I am thinking of them possibly having a hand in all the conflict that happens in my story. Perhaps instead of reigning down on them and forcing them into a galactic war they're sizing them up, admiring our history of struggle. Perhaps they're waiting out the results of the wars in Eon to choose which nation will lead the others into a greater fray. Maybe some simply interfere to prevent humans from advancing too far into space and being noticed. Maybe they want to help them, or prepare them for incoming aliens who want to wipe humans out before we take up old habits. I'm kinda doodling what I've been pondering for a while and I have a terrible habit of not writing down ideas (some of which were damn good). But I'm digressing (af). I don't think I'll have (all) of the extra terrestrials ever present in the story, perhaps implied and reverence before revealing them. Me being left to fend off boredom has kinda resulted in thinking of an inter-generational tale. I've to date thought of Lenox, his mother, her parents, and their parents. It does give me a shot to flesh out the world that will lead to this story. I guess you can say it has that in common with star wars though I hope to share the focus through out all of them adding context in the way you suggested. I have no clue on how I am going to tie this together but as of now I have written down brief biographies of a few characters that exist or have existed in this universe. Perhaps this is what you call "maldaptive daydreaming". Sorry again This stuff is muddled and rushed and it must be hard to figure out given how I haven't even a clear consensus about some of the major avenues of my world. I've been thinking as a way to inspire myself and introduce myself to this world perhaps I should start writing out snippets of the story (whether they happen or not to better get a picture of what kind of world I am trying to build. Like a level in a demo or beta test that doesn't make it into the final game. |
| @QWERTYFish25 The notion of extraterrestrials in terms of the creators has been expressed in various other stories -some notable- big they just aren't coming to mind; for now revise their potential introductions and see if they're truly necessary to the story. However, the idea of having some of the humans developing abilities isn't all that far-stretched since adapting to environments, inevitably evolving (having this thesis will contradict the purpose of the "creators"), will mean that there can be an anomaly I their genes -capable of causing mutations. Just take care not to create powers that are too out there, otherwise it'll wreck the vibe of the story; and if it does take off it can be critically observed as "desperate attempts" of trying to attract alternative audiences. Back to the powers, the most feasible ones were "photokinesis" (namely, radiation) and "hemokinesis" And remember, if you decide to incorporate alternative extraterrestials (essentially those not originating from earth) then that will change the entire dynamic of the story... Think remnants of civilisations, active civilisations I.e. Inhabited worlds; and there may also be advanced technology that could be stumbled upon (a race cannot be perfect, they must have shortcomings otherwise these would be the ones who perfect the universe) But hey, that could just be the organisation-extraterrstials running the story behind the scenes -especially when It's to the underlying secret I.e. The ones who cleanse the universe of corruption etc. (also binding to the motives of the intergalactic war) At the end of the day, it's your story. |
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tambi33 said: @QWERTYFish25 The notion of extraterrestrials in terms of the creators has been expressed in various other stories -some notable- big they just aren't coming to mind; for now revise their potential introductions and see if they're truly necessary to the story. However, the idea of having some of the humans developing abilities isn't all that far-stretched since adapting to environments, inevitably evolving (having this thesis will contradict the purpose of the "creators"), will mean that there can be an anomaly I their genes -capable of causing mutations. Just take care not to create powers that are too out there, otherwise it'll wreck the vibe of the story; and if it does take off it can be critically observed as "desperate attempts" of trying to attract alternative audiences. Back to the powers, the most feasible ones were "photokinesis" (namely, radiation) and "hemokinesis" And remember, if you decide to incorporate alternative extraterrestials (essentially those not originating from earth) then that will change the entire dynamic of the story... Think remnants of civilisations, active civilisations I.e. Inhabited worlds; and there may also be advanced technology that could be stumbled upon (a race cannot be perfect, they must have shortcomings otherwise these would be the ones who perfect the universe) But hey, that could just be the organisation-extraterrstials running the story behind the scenes -especially when It's to the underlying secret I.e. The ones who cleanse the universe of corruption etc. (also binding to the motives of the intergalactic war) At the end of the day, it's your story. True a big concern when thinking of these powers was the "balance" a photokinetic ian't going to absorb an entire star and redirect the light like some kind of death star. Neither is a Inertakinetic going to be able to in any fashion halt something like an asteroid and redirect that power. Every last one of those "powers I have mention have existed in some capacity somewhere in media. But the strengths and limitations of these powers are the only real think that stands a chance of making this unique (also the story it's in and the relevance to the plot.) The short of it is basically very few humans are ever born with these powers. There are entities (let's just call them that for not) in every cell of our being that is responsible for these abilities, for some strange reason they have been dormant for the past few thousand years [save for some people affiliated with the supernatural, perhaps?]. Now they are beginning to awaken throughout the population. Not all humans, very few actually. There are methods, most of which are ineffective at inducing or awakening these entities and tons of theories. Usually one is either naturally born with them, they are latent [on set of puberty or personal trauma can trigger them] or they are induced through an assortment of often deadly means. Hemokinetics generally can only control their own blood safely. Attempting to utilize other blood can cause corruption (insanity, rabies like symptoms and even death). Their ability to project (form shapes, maintain composure and control) and their resistance to the afforestation corruption varies from person to person. Some are prodigious while others are mediocre. Some have abilities that others don't and so on. And then of course there's that pesky human body that can't function with too much blood loss so there's that to consider. I do want others to be able to utilize blood from others (as a team, for instance). But much like a blood transfusion, you have to be tested to see if there will be a negative reaction and a chance for corruption other wise you're gambling with turning feral or dying a painful death. Also only human blood can be used. Animal blood is like any other liquid and is useless in that regard. I'm still forming a list of what these "blood-benders" will be capable of. Out of the four they are the first I thought of. I their will be the typical blood healing, blood swords or shards being able to beef up their own strength and endurance (like Raiden's cyborg suit beefing up to perform feats of strength from MGS4). Ultimately I want it to be "believable" to some extent almost scientific with respect to the story's logic. The won't be able to use their blood to summon demons or anything of that nature. Sorta like bio-weapon vs. zombie curse. I want to apply similar constraints onto the other three powers. I want them to lean more towards logical rather than supernatural. If the human body is ancient tech, an ancient bio-weapon in my story possibly it can seem feasible from a standpoint. I mean we have machines that can alter light, sound, possibly gravity in the near future. I could write it off as just the inhabitants of Eon being lucky enough not to bump into the descendants of these aliens just yet. And also depending on the ancient civilization's tech and what tech in particular the idea of surviving tens of thousands of years is awfully slim, especially given the volatile nature of space (meteor showers etc.) But I guess that depends on what and how it is being preserved, how advanced it is and what it's made of. I guess maybe a piece of tech or at least a relic of non functioning one is reasonable but nothing to bump the tech of a nation in 3 months, I kinda feel like that's a bit of a cop out. I would rather they just point the characters in the right direction at most but not necessarily give them any major advantage aside from knowledge. But these two things are definitely one of the harder things I need to figure out in my story. Question: how could I better "introduce" myself to my story? I mean sure I could start at the beginning and just keep perfecting drafts but part of my feels like I should kinda write snippets with only general context to the story in order to better know and feel around with both the characters and in the plots. Kinda like Anthony and Katarine talking about politics or Lenox asking the CO of his CO (general Wakefield about his prime-time and in Libretonia). Like maybe even a prequel that bears significance to the story but is kinda standalone? A few paragraphs even. |
QWERTYFish25May 20, 2018 10:19 PM
| @QWERTYFish25 When I picked out photokinesis and hemokinesis I felt that they were the most feasible as for the following reasons: •Photokinesis- the human body having adapted so that they can actively control the radiation their body would usually absorb; this particularly makes sense I nuclear warfare (where they can nullify the mutational damage collateral to nuclear explosions etc.). The adaptation of humans to do this could be down to living in close proximity to the star (not dissimilar to the sun) •Hemokinesis- again, following information that we already know (of hot and cold blooded animals) the likelihood of developing the ability to actively regulate one's temperature and blood circulation seems to be probable; furthermore this could be down to settling on a planet with conflicting temperatures, necessitating for humans to regularly alter their temperature levels to cater for those sudden changes. Going one further, these sort of people can possibly be fine tuned for black ops and covert operations due this unique ability of being able to alter their temperatures e.g. Undetectable by heat seekers, thermal cameras etc. their overall equipment requirement will change entirely and in terms of the type of clothing -minimal, since they don't need to worry about environmental temperatures. Now, about you wanting to "introduce" yourself into the story. Do you want to literally be a recurring character or....? |
tidoesstuffMay 21, 2018 5:32 AM
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tambi33 said: @QWERTYFish25 When I picked out photokinesis and hemokinesis I felt that they were the most feasible as for the following reasons: •Photokinesis- the human body having adapted so that they can actively control the radiation their body would usually absorb; this particularly makes sense I nuclear warfare (where they can nullify the mutational damage collateral to nuclear explosions etc.). The adaptation of humans to do this could be down to living in close proximity to the star (not dissimilar to the sun) •Hemokinesis- again, following information that we already know (of hot and cold blooded animals) the likelihood of developing the ability to actively regulate one's temperature and blood circulation seems to be probable; furthermore this could be down to settling on a planet with conflicting temperatures, necessitating for humans to regularly alter their temperature levels to cater for those sudden changes. Going one further, these sort of people can possibly be fine tuned for black ops and covert operations due this unique ability of being able to alter their temperatures e.g. Undetectable by heat seekers, thermal cameras etc. their overall equipment requirement will change entirely and in terms of the type of clothing -minimal, since they don't need to worry about environmental temperatures. Now, about you wanting to "introduce" yourself into the story. Do you want to literally be a recurring character or....? No, more so familiarize myself with the world first hand. Sure the solution is sit there and think about what you wanna write. But I was also thinking about writing little snippets. Small pieces, several paragraphs long, related to the story that may discuss or describe the settling. Lenox and Katarine talking about the war, Maybe Lenox discussing his choice to join the military with his adopted parents and them expressing concern for his safety given the current situation. Literally scrap work or sketches figuratively speaking that is related to what I want to make. I was just wondering if that would be straying too far or it seemed reasonable as an exerciser to accustom myself to descriptive writing, spelling of uncommon names or phrases, and, on the fly coming up with ideas for the things I want to be in the story. Like mentioning a past historical battle from the word of one of the characters, making a note of that and then possibly describing that at a much later time in the story, or even making it an upcoming event. |
QWERTYFish25 said: tambi33 said: @QWERTYFish25 When I picked out photokinesis and hemokinesis I felt that they were the most feasible as for the following reasons: •Photokinesis- the human body having adapted so that they can actively control the radiation their body would usually absorb; this particularly makes sense I nuclear warfare (where they can nullify the mutational damage collateral to nuclear explosions etc.). The adaptation of humans to do this could be down to living in close proximity to the star (not dissimilar to the sun) •Hemokinesis- again, following information that we already know (of hot and cold blooded animals) the likelihood of developing the ability to actively regulate one's temperature and blood circulation seems to be probable; furthermore this could be down to settling on a planet with conflicting temperatures, necessitating for humans to regularly alter their temperature levels to cater for those sudden changes. Going one further, these sort of people can possibly be fine tuned for black ops and covert operations due this unique ability of being able to alter their temperatures e.g. Undetectable by heat seekers, thermal cameras etc. their overall equipment requirement will change entirely and in terms of the type of clothing -minimal, since they don't need to worry about environmental temperatures. Now, about you wanting to "introduce" yourself into the story. Do you want to literally be a recurring character or....? No, more so familiarize myself with the world first hand. Sure the solution is sit there and think about what you wanna write. But I was also thinking about writing little snippets. Small pieces, several paragraphs long, related to the story that may discuss or describe the settling. Lenox and Katarine talking about the war, Maybe Lenox discussing his choice to join the military with his adopted parents and them expressing concern for his safety given the current situation. Literally scrap work or sketches figuratively speaking that is related to what I want to make. I was just wondering if that would be straying too far or it seemed reasonable as an exerciser to accustom myself to descriptive writing, spelling of uncommon names or phrases, and, on the fly coming up with ideas for the things I want to be in the story. Like mentioning a past historical battle from the word of one of the characters, making a note of that and then possibly describing that at a much later time in the story, or even making it an upcoming event. Okay, if you're looking for approval to do so, no you didn't need to ask. If you just wanted to know whether or not that this is something to be done, then yes, you must. Anything and everything that you have an idea of should always be noted; I, personally, have devoted an old phone just to be there for whenever I have to make some notes. They should all contribute to your world and when it comes to compiling you'll have so many pieces to work with and it'll shape the world that you're trying to build |
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tambi33 said: QWERTYFish25 said: No, more so familiarize myself with the world first hand. Sure the solution is sit there and think about what you wanna write. But I was also thinking about writing little snippets. Small pieces, several paragraphs long, related to the story that may discuss or describe the settling. Lenox and Katarine talking about the war, Maybe Lenox discussing his choice to join the military with his adopted parents and them expressing concern for his safety given the current situation. Literally scrap work or sketches figuratively speaking that is related to what I want to make. I was just wondering if that would be straying too far or it seemed reasonable as an exerciser to accustom myself to descriptive writing, spelling of uncommon names or phrases, and, on the fly coming up with ideas for the things I want to be in the story. Like mentioning a past historical battle from the word of one of the characters, making a note of that and then possibly describing that at a much later time in the story, or even making it an upcoming event. Okay, if you're looking for approval to do so, no you didn't need to ask. If you just wanted to know whether or not that this is something to be done, then yes, you must. Anything and everything that you have an idea of should always be noted; I, personally, have devoted an old phone just to be there for whenever I have to make some notes. They should all contribute to your world and when it comes to compiling you'll have so many pieces to work with and it'll shape the world that you're trying to build Thanks. I guess I get a bit intimidated when taking up a new task and look to others for confirmation, I guess that bled through the words in my posts. I did, hover, wonder if it would just be better to go straight for it rather than as I felt "beat around the bush" (I've been feeling this way at times while doing character descriptions. I know now that it wasn't futile, heck new characters and perspectives popped up just last night. I will do this. I can hone my skills at writing, build bridges for my story and keep my mind off of others things. Thanks again. If you have any further questions at any times feel free. |
| @QWERTYFish25 Likewise, if you wanna ask me anything, I'm happy to help |
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| I have a question about descriptive writing. Say I'm writing a paragraph and I have to describe someone's face, the shape of their eyes, nose, lips so on and so forth. How do I go about doing that? Like I've found myself using terms like "angular" or round" or "full" but how would I go about putting that in a book that is, I'm guess supposed to "flow?" I'm guessing that something like "She has brown eyes, a big chin, a pronounced jawline, long dark hair, and beady green eyes" isn't really gonna cut it. Or at least not always. I mean it's one thing if a character is looking at another vs if you're trying to describe a character from an omnipresent POV. Another thing is what is an acceptable way of describing someone in the context of a profile versus the middle of the story? Like an "Appearance" section of a profile? Also would it be acceptable to write analogies that pertain to modern tech to describe something in the story to the audience? Like for instance comparing thge humming of the fusion reactor to a microwave running? |
QWERTYFish25May 23, 2018 8:29 AM
QWERTYFish25 said: I have a question about descriptive writing. Say I'm writing a paragraph and I have to describe someone's face, the shape of their eyes, nose, lips so on and so forth. How do I go about doing that? Like I've found myself using terms like "angular" or round" or "full" but how would I go about putting that in a book that is, I'm guess supposed to "flow?" I'm guessing that something like "She has brown eyes, a big chin, a pronounced jawline, long dark hair, and beady green eyes" isn't really gonna cut it. Or at least not always. I mean it's one thing if a character is looking at another vs if you're trying to describe a character from an omnipresent POV. Another thing is what is an acceptable way of describing someone in the context of a profile versus the middle of the story? Like an "Appearance" section of a profile? Also would it be acceptable to write analogies that pertain to modern tech to describe something in the story to the audience? Like for instance comparing thge humming of the fusion reactor to a microwave running? Personally, I prefer if you don't describe the character too much. Just the general idea and let the reader imagine. About the analogies. I don't mind how you said it. But the character themselves must know that a "microwave running" (imagine a medieval story and has that) |
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