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Never, EVER put diet coke and mentos in your ass

Y’all know about the prostate gland? The male rub-to-cum? Yea that thing. This is the glorious story of how I tried (and failed) to stimulate it.

The Buildup

I was drinking Pepsi and reading an article on how prostate stimulation intensifies orgasms. So, I had the genius idea of using coke to stimulate my ass. WCGW? I mean that the carbonation feels... good in my mouth, so It should work in my ass. As an engineer, there are many logistical challenges to bypass when trying to insert coke into one’s asshole.

Q: How do I put cola in my anus in the first place?

A: You use the rim of the bottle and stick it directly in the anus.

Q: How do I make sure that the coke stays there?

A: You don’t. That’s where I fucked up

Now, with a half-assed plan, I went to the store. As I was checking out, I saw a pack mentos. Time to bring this to level two. I put back the original coke and bought diet coke instead. All 2 liters of glory.

The disaster

20 mins later...

With three mentos in my ass, I gingerly lowered the rim to my rim and poured. The reaction was nearly instant. With the tidal force of a tsunami, the bottle was violently ejected from my ass. A pressure was building up, and the gates of hell opened. I felt Satan’s sugary fire burst from my asshole onto the bed. Holy shit, you would not realize the panic I had. There was a pain, both emotional and physical. The sugary wet fart, the sound of a thousand ass-trumpets creating a heavenly cacophony. I saw the light, I saw the dark. I felt The intense sting of carbonation, I experienced nothing and everything. I had found God, and he was punishing me. There was the maddening sensation of your asshole bending over itself, inside out, shrinking, expanding. It was worse than any experience ever. My brain still cannot comprehend the sensations, but they were torturous. I have contemplated what hell might feel like, and I know that I could find peace there. My bed was soaked with shit-coke. Lord, how am I to clean up.

Don't ever try what I did.

The aftermath

I learned a very valuable lesson that day. Don’t try anything insane. Avoid the asshole.

Also, TIL that the human asshole can stretch 8 centimeters without damage.

TL;DR: Stick to beating your meat, folks.